In this life, particularly the society we live in, we often find ourselves looking for a fix. Looking for something that makes life easier, something that makes it all just a little more comfortable. We seek remedies that will help us avoid uncomfortable things. We don’t want to face the possibility of being embarrassed, feeling not good enough, or getting hurt so we go out of our way to avoid them. And when those things do come, as we all know they will despite our trying efforts, we’d rather numb our hearts and minds because we’d rather feel nothing than feel the pain they may bring.

3 weeks ago, my grandmother passed away suddenly. It came as a shock as death often does, and I was not prepared in any way. As we came to the realization (that no one truly wanted to say out loud) that the time had come for that final goodbye, I would have told you that I wanted someone to literally take my heart out of me so that I didn’t have to feel it breaking. I would have given it away without a second thought because there had never been a moment in life so far that I was as sad and as broken as I felt that day.

I like to process my thoughts by writing them down. I especially like to journal and write down my prayers because it urges me to be intentional in my conversations with the Lord, and it helps me reflect on where I’ve been as I dream of where I’m going. But in these last few weeks, I didn’t want to write anything down. I didn’t want to force myself to sit and remember. I didn’t want to go to that place, to go to the Lord and cry for the hole in my heart. I wanted to push that horrible pain back into the dark place I thought it belonged. It’s not that I wanted to forget, I just didn’t want to face it all again.

But tonight, it was time. I didn’t feel ready to go back to that day, but I knew it had to be done. And as I read back over my previous entry as I always do, I was overwhelmed with what I had forgotten that I asked of the Lord.

October 1, 2017.

“…I want to feel things deeply. I want deep joy and deep pain… Please move my heart, let me be affected by what this life has to offer. The highs and the lows. I want to feel more and experience more, break the walls around my heart. I don’t want to be numb to my life.”

Only 4 days later, the Lord answered my prayer. He answered it in a way I wasn’t expecting, and in a way I wish could have ended differently, but he heard the cries of my heart and he let me feel what I needed to.

I realized tonight, that this pain in my heart, is awful but necessary. It’s the kind of thing that can make you wish to never have to feel again, but it’s the kind of thing that grows you as you heal. It teaches you, tears you up, and leaves you with no choice than to bring the broken pieces to the One who can put them back together. The pain is miserable, but we need it.

I know that I need it to remember my capacity to love another human on this earth. I need it to remember others’ capacities to love me. I need it to remember that just as I’ve felt my heart rip in two, I will one day feel joy on that very same level. I need it to remember that the highs and the lows are what builds the story that is this life. One does not, cannot, and will not exist without the other.

This life is rich, and wonderful, and really really hard. There is much to lose, but so much more to gain. So much to feel, and to be felt deeply.

I want to believe in that prayer I prayed, and I want you to, too.